Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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