I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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