Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
