there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
