so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
