loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
