this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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