gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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