My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I am midnight drunk by noon
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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