Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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