So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
