Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
