i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
