im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
