I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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