i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
