i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
