Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
