Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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