I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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