I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
