I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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