I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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