Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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