I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
