I am puke
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
