Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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