I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
