I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
