saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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