I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
