Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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