I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
