I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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