Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
