My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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