you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
