Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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