A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
