I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
