and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
apparently the secret to your success is patron
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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