I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
