saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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