i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
