My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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