At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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