Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
