you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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