Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
