my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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